Recognizing growth & celebrating small wins
Something really occurred to me recently that I felt I really had to recognize and celebrate. Since I first embarked on my spiritual journey more than 7 years ago, there have been many ups and downs in my internal and external life. There were times where I felt I made a lot of progress and things were going well, and then there would be some setback that would make me feel like I was regressing to a place where I thought I had graduated from. But overall, there was progress. I would take two or three steps forward, and then maybe one step back. But in those times that I was taking a step back, it was so easy to beat myself up, get weighed down by whatever was bothering me, and lose sight of the progress I was making.
My spiritual journey began from a place of true pain and suffering. I was engaging in unhealthy behaviors to cope with what I was feeling, or to completely avoid what I was feeling, and it got to a point where I knew I had to make a change if I was going to survive. Since then, it’s been a continuous ebb and flow of progress and regression, but ultimately in the direction of positive change. As I continually cut out toxic behaviors and break negative thought patterns that are holding me back, it feels like I’m unlocking new levels in the video game of life. But each level came with new challenges that were ultimately about me confronting myself, my beliefs, my thoughts, and my emotions.
In those times that I let the negative thoughts and feelings get the better of me, sometimes I would be helpless. I could easily stay in bed all day, or lie on the sofa for hours binge watching TV, ignoring other responsibilities because they just felt like too much to handle. I would wake up with a tight feeling in my chest, anxious before I even fully woke up, and the entire stretch of the day in front of me just felt like too much to bear. Especially in my current life situation where I don’t have a regular office job and a lot of what I do is dependent on me taking initiative and doing things myself, it was all to easy to shirk the commitments I had made to myself and just zone out.
But this could easily become a negative feedback loop. I would feel anxious because there’s so much I could do, but the possibilities and potential would feel overwhelming, and my mind would go to a place where I was paralyzed to make a decision to do anything, so instead I would do nothing. But the fact that I was doing nothing made me feel like I was wasting precious time, that I was squandering an opportunity, and the fact that I’m not making any real progress on a professional front is because I just don’t have what it takes. I’m not smart enough. I’m not creative enough. I don’t have good ideas, and I can’t execute the ones I have.
But none of this is true. These are self-sabotaging lies that my mind was telling itself, and I knew it was my job to continually question these thoughts and beliefs, witness them without identifying with them, and ultimately letting them pass through. With this and other tactics that I have honed in my self-care arsenal like meditation and journaling, I gradually was able to deal with these thoughts in a more positive way where I would acknowledge, but not identify, with them, and then let them go.
And over time, I began to notice the positive changes. I recently had one of those mornings where I woke up with that anxiety, and the old self-limiting thoughts started to creep back in, but with the practices that I had been developing and putting to use, I was able to pull myself back off that ledge, and move on with my day. And when we have those moments of recognition like, “wow, hey I’ve really changed,” it’s so important to take a moment to pause and celebrate that. Even just a few months ago, waking up in one of those states would have led me to a decision that would have derailed my entire day. But not anymore.
Now, I’m able to use what I’ve learned, honor my past self for doing the hard work that has gotten me here, and continue to welcome the lessons that life has to offer in reaching my true potential. It’s important not to judge my past self for how he reacted. He did was he could in the moment with what he had available to him, and he survived so that I could thrive. And this doesn’t mean that I won’t have those dark days sometime in the future. And that’s okay. Like any real meaningful progress, it’s measured in small increments, small wins. But really recognize and celebrate when you have those small wins. You’re worth it.