I've been meditating wrong for years

Meditation has always been a struggle for me—I’m not going to lie. I always liked the idea of meditation as being part of my self-concept; I identified as someone who meditates, or at least likes the idea of meditation, because in all honesty it didn’t really become a regular practice of mine until quite recently. And although it’s taken me years to become someone who does actually meditate, I have found it to be very beneficial in a variety of ways, some unexpected, and I hope to share my experience here in the hopes that it may help you on your meditation journey.

Being born in Japan, I was exposed to the concept of buddhism at a very young age. Although it’s an integral part of Japanese culture, most Japanese people would probably not identify themselves as especially religious people, and I felt the same. Visiting a Buddhist temple is just something you do, for important life events like funerals, or when visiting a new place when traveling domestically. From studying the world’s major religions in school, I also had an idea of what Buddhism was as a belief system, and I have to say many of my personal beliefs align.

But how am I supposed to incorporate these Buddhist ideals into my everyday life? Do I have to give up all my worldly possessions, become a vegetarian, and relegate the remainder of my life to that of an ascetic? This is my polar extreme opposite way of thinking that I think prevented me from taking smaller, more manageable steps in integrating some Buddhist practices in my daily life. And to be fair, meditation isn’t only a Buddhist practice, but this was my early understanding of it. I liked the badge of claiming it as part of my identity without the hard work of actually practicing.

Things began to change when, as many people in their mid-late 20’s do, I had a quarter-life crisis and moved across the world from New York City back home to Tokyo where I hadn’t lived since I was 8 years old. This transition was simultaneously inspired and spurred on by a deep sense of discontentment that launched me headfirst into a spiritual awakening and journey that I am still on today, and will be for the rest of my life. I discovered that changing my external circumstances without addressing the underlying causes or ways of thinking in myself may lead to momentary cessation of these feelings of lack, but ultimately they will come back.

When I realized that I was the problem, not the place I’m living or the people I’m around or anything else external, I began to consume many books, podcasts, etc. on the topic of self-help, self-improvement, spirituality, wellness, and the like. And with this concept of mindfulness, the practice of meditation kept being brought up over and over again by all the spiritual teachers I was hoping to learn from. So I decided to take another look at what meditation meant for me, and what it could look like.

I had a yoga phase when I first moved to New York, and I have on many occasions reached a blissful flow state where I was extremely present in the moment with my body and my breath, and disconnected from the constant stream of thoughts that usually animate our daily internal monologues. And it felt great. From what the spiritual teachers were describing, this was my closest reference and what I would aim for. But that was much easier said than done.

To get started, I tried a guided meditation app that would gently prompt me to move through a short 5-10minute meditation practice, and it was great! I realized that in a sense, I was trying to meditate all wrong for years, and that’s what defeated my efforts before they really started. Here’s what I learned about meditation, both from the many people I’ve listened to speak on the matter, as well as through my own experience.

Trying to clear your mind is not the purpose of meditation.

This kind of blew my mind. The way Buddhism had been explained to me in school, it was about these monks who devote their lives to trying to reach “enlightenment” which was described as a complete detachment from suffering. The way in which these monks reach enlightenment was through meditation, which is a complete clearing of the mind. But that is the biggest misconception. You may reach a state during meditation in which your mind is clear, but setting out to achieve that as a goal, and judging the outcome as bad when you inevitably find your mind filled with thoughts, will set you up for failure.

The way to truly meditate is to witness the mind without becoming identified with thoughts.

This took a while for the meaning to really sink in. But when you really think about it, the true cause of our suffering is thoughts. Thoughts are stories our minds tell us about reality, about our life, and when reality doesn’t match up with these stories we’ve told ourselves, we feel a sense of unease, discomfort, injustice, inadequacy, self-loathing, and the list goes on. But we can create gaps in these incessant thought spirals by sitting still, quietly, and witnessing these thoughts with our full attention, without believing them. That last part is the most important one.

We don’t have to believe our thoughts just because we’re having them. The point of meditating is to witness these thoughts, acknowledge them, and then let them go without judgement or reaction. And when we can do this on a regular basis, it helps us maintain a bit more presence in our daily lives, and maybe help us make decisions from a place of calm, non-judgement than from our ego minds.

Meditating can bring us more in touch with the universe’s divine energy.

This might be a bit woo woo for some people, but I believe it to be true. I believe that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience, but the matter of this physical world is dense. Inhabiting a body in physical space on this earth makes our experiences more concrete and definable, but I also think it limits what we can perceive greatly. In identifying with a physical body, and relating to the world in this way, we rely on what we can hear, touch, see, smell, and taste. But there is so much more out there that is beyond what meets the eye, and only when our minds and bodies are completely still, can we get a taste of that energy.

There’s a saying I like that goes “beyond the clouds there’s always blue skies”. In this metaphor, our mind is the sky and thoughts are clouds. The thoughts are inevitably going to come. But what if we just let them be rather than getting bogged down in them? We can enjoy the blue sky. If we approach our inner relationship with ourselves as a practice of allowing stillness, sitting with ourselves as we are, and making this a integral spiritual practice in our daily life, I believe there’s no challenge we can’t surmount, no obstacle we can’t overcome.

I’m definitely not perfect, so my meditation practice definitely won’t be as well. But what I can say is that the more I meditate, the more I show up for myself to create space, the more in-tune I feel with the universe’s creative energy, and the more at peace I feel within myself. And my only with is that you can experience this for yourself too.

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How spiritual practices changed my life

My path to spirituality came from a place of deep pain and suffering. I’m not going to sugarcoat it—I was having a tough time and not feeling good about myself. But what made these feelings especially difficult to deal with was the fact that there was nothing external that I could point to that was wrong in my life. I was generally in good health, had good relationships with my friends and family, had a decent job and was living a comfortable lifestyle where, although I wouldn’t say I was rich, I did not have to worry about my basic needs being met, and could do the things I wanted to for the most part.

But still, this underlying feeling of discontentment, insecurity, lack of inspiration, and feeling of emptiness persisted no matter what I did. To make things worse, the behaviors I was engaging in to subconsciously try and fill this hole inside myself were actively making the situation worse. The unhealthy foods I was indulging in were deteriorating my health and worsening my own body image, the alcohol and other substances I was using were worsening my anxiety and chipping away at my feeling of self-worth. Even my relationships with the ones I loved, although at many times my saving grace, started to feel at times performative and I could feel myself withdraw.

I knew that if I was every going to be happy, let alone survive, I needed to change my behaviors, and to change my behaviors, I needed to change my way of thinking. This is around the time that I discovered spirituality, and my internal world began to change. From a young age, I think I always knew that there was something more to life than what meets the eye. I can’t point to any specific experiences in childhood that made me believe this, but I think there was a deeper sense of knowing that I gradually lost sight of as I became an adult, and became so deeply engrained in the existence of this physical world.

But as I discovered the world of spirituality, my view of existence began to open up again, and the things that were weighing on my mind didn’t feel as heavy as they once did. I would get momentary glances of what it felt like just to be present, not completely lost in my negative thought patterns, and in a place of calm and stillness. The more media I consumed around health, wellness, and spirituality, the more I became inspired to integrate practices into my daily life in order to maintain this more balanced head space. And this is where my own spiritual practices began to develop and persist to this day.

The first, and probably most accessible, practice that I began to do was journaling. Although it might seem simple, taking a few minutes out of my day to just write down whatever is going on in my head at that moment was huge in allowing me to get some space from my thoughts and see them from a more objective perspective. So much of what is swirling around in our heads at any moment can be amorphous thoughts entangled with emotions, memories, and our own projections on reality, and being constantly in that head space can feel overwhelming. There’s something about forming those thoughts into words and physically writing them down on paper that can clear that mental clutter, and allow you to look back at what you wrote down from a more objective standpoint where you can question what is factually true, what isn’t, what’s helpful, and what’s harmful. Just recognizing some of these patterns in your own thinking can have a transformative affect in creating healthier thought patterns.

The second practice that I’ve integrated into my daily life is meditation. Much like journaling, the practice of meditation allows you some time and space to observe your body and your mind, and ultimately connect to the deeper life force that is animating us all. Meditation can seem difficult at first, as I know I thought it was. Stilling still with my own thoughts seemed like a scary proposition especially after years of suppressing or ignoring how I felt altogether. But the more I was able to not identify with my thoughts, witness them without judging them, and allowing them to pass, the more I was able to find a real sense of calm and a connection to something deeper.

It is my personal view that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience, but that there is something about the physical realm that we inhabit once we’re born that is dense in its energetic charge, and its so easy to become so deeply identified with our bodies, our brains, and the thoughts and emotions they produce that can be a mix of cognitive thought and simple animal instinct. For me, the practice of meditation has allowed me to disentangle myself a bit from this deeply entrenched relationship to the physical world and my own thoughts about it, and given me some space where I can just exist in a space of stillness and calm, at one with the divine energy that makes up our reality.

Another spiritual practice that has become more important to me as I’ve delved deeper into my spiritual journey is one that connects me to my culture and my ancestors. Although I wasn’t really raised in any spiritual tradition or subscribe specifically to any one faith even as of now, I was always exposed to Buddhism and Shintoism from a young age being half-Japanese and born in Japan. Even most Japanese people would say they’re not religious, but Buddhist and Shinto practices are so deeply engrained in Japanese culture that they are apart of daily life.

I find great beauty and meaning in these spiritual traditions that my ancestors have practiced for thousands of years, and adopting some of these beliefs and practices in my daily life has helped me feel, not only a deeper connection to my culture, but to this belief that there are sacred things in this life and that we are all connected in this reality. In addition to visiting sacred places like shrines and temples around Japan, I also have a small alter in my home that I pray to every morning.

In the shinto tradition, small wooden amulets that symbolize the gods are placed on an alter, and we make offerings and pray to the alter every morning. This simple habit allows me a brief moment to express gratitude for all the blessings that I have been given in life, as well as to express my hopes and dreams for my future. Although I might not necessarily believe that there are literal gods inhabiting the wooden plaques in my apartment, this practice is a small reminder that this life is special, has meaning, and it’s up to me to bring this meaning and purpose to it. And that makes the experience of daily life a little bit better.

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A spiritual journey through Mexico

Although it wasn’t my first time to Mexico, the last time I came was on a family vacation when I was in elementary school to Puerto Vallarta where we hardly left the resort, so this very much felt like a new experience for me. This trip was also special because it was supposed to happen in the spring of 2020 after I finished business school, but, well… you know what happened. Needless to say, it was long awaited, and I couldn’t wait to actually experience Mexican culture.

My first stop was Oaxaca, and it immediately struck me as a charming and historic city with rich cultural roots. The city is built on a grid, with most buildings being only one or two stories. I had the privilege of staying at Casa Oaxaca, a quaint and relaxed boutique hotel that was historically a private home. I love the way the building was centered around a courtyard of which each of the suites is situated, encouraging interactions with other guests and the staff who were extremely friendly—one even spoke a little bit of Japanese.

The first day of sightseeing started with a visit to Monté Alban, a mountaintop site with Zapotec ruins. I especially love visiting places of cultural significance especially when they have some ritualistic or spiritual connotation. When I quiet my mind and really focus on my surroundings, I try to tap into the energy that can be felt there and try to imagine the lives of the people who built this place and lived here. Did they think about the things that I think about now? What were their hopes and dreams? With the clouds rolling over the mountain and a light rain, it felt especially magical.

After the Zapotec ruins was lunch in the countryside at a place that serves caldo de piedra or stone broth. It’s a delicious soup of local seafood and herbs in a broth that is heated by dropping a hot stone directly into a handmade bowl that contains the soup. As soon as the stone drops in, it immediately starts boiling and cooks the soup to perfection. The owner of the shop explained that the soup originated with the indigenous population and pre-dates Spanish colonialism. I find it beautiful how these traditions are maintained and passed from generation to generation through food, which I think can be such a spiritual practice.

Next was a visit to Hierve el Agua, a beautiful nature reserve with naturally occurring springs that visitors can swim in. It’s high in the mountains and took quite a long bumpy drive on unpaved roads to get to, but the views were worth it. Although it is a tourist attraction, it was surrounded by natural beauty, and allowed me to feel connected to nature and remember how small I am in the world. I could also see fields of agave plants on the mountain sides that were being grown and harvested to make mezcal.

The following day, I visited Templo de Santo Domingo de Guzmán, the cathedral located in the center of the city. Because of a wedding, I was unable to explore the interior of the cathedral in depth, but from what I saw it was BEAUTIFUL. From the outside, it isn’t overly ornate or intricate, but the interior of the main chamber was extremely opulent and decorative. Although I don’t subscribe to any particular religion, I love visiting spiritual places of all kinds because these places really hold a lot of energy that is palpable, and no matter what people believe, I know we are all revering the same divine source that animates all of life, and the beauty and care people put into this reverence moves me everytime.

My last dinner in Oaxaca was at Criollo, a modern take on Oaxacan cuisine produced by Chef Enrique Olvera, and was probably the best meal of the trip. The ambience was relaxed but intentional, with the space blending interior and exterior spaces in a seamless way that made me feel like I was visiting someone's home. The meal was delicious and featured locally sourced ingredients and dishes steeped in local tradition, like molé. I think this was my first introduction to real molé, and you can taste the rich culture and history in the complex and intriguing flavors. 

My next stop was Mexico City, and I was surprised by how big it was. Coming from Tokyo and having lived in New York for 10 years, I am very familiar with the feeling of being in a big city, but I was impressed with the expanse of Mexico’s capital. It’s also a very beautiful city that mixes modern urban developments with Spanish colonial influence all on top of an ancient Aztec city. The thing I find most beautiful about Mexico is its melding of past and present, indigenous and colonial, all resulting in a colorful and rich cultural landscape of which I know I have only scratched the surface.

I stayed at Casa Polanco, a beautiful boutique hotel in the high-end neighborhood of Polanco, which I learned was historically a Polish neighborhood, hence the name. It was one of the best hotels I have stayed at in recent history. Their attention to detail from the service to decor to amenities was really top notch. The staff was extremely friendly and made me feel very much at home. This hotel was also historically a private home and combined with a modern building to create the hotel that it is today. I only wish I had more time to enjoy all the amenities like the gym & spa. If you have the opportunity to stay here in Mexico City, I highly recommend it. You won’t be disappointed.

Being a Saturday night, I decided to check out the local nightlife and see what the city had to offer. I considered going to an area with several gay bars, but given that I don’t drink alcohol, I thought it might feel awkward to try and socialize with the local gays while sipping a sparkling water. (It was also quite far from my hotel.) Instead, I found a DJ event at a club much closer to my hotel, Club Fünk, located in nearby Condesa. The party was called Boyanza,  seemed queer-friendly, and the music sounded like it might be my taste. I was not disappointed. The space itself was pretty cool with interesting lighting design around the DJ booth, and the music was very danceable, mixing house, techno, and other electronic music. Although I didn’t meet anyone, the vibes were good and I felt completely comfortable dancing and enjoying myself.

The next day was a visit to the Metropolitan Cathedral and the ruins at Zocalo. Again, the cathedral was very beautiful both inside and out, and you can really feel the history contained in its walls. What was even more amazing were the ruins of Tenochtitlan, the Aztec capital before the arrival of the Spanish. To imagine what lies beneath the modern city of Mexico City and what it would have looked like before the Spanish arrived is amazing. It’s a shame how much must have been destroyed during the colonial era, but I was so glad that remnants of this ancient culture survive to this day despite the horrors of colonialism. 

Outside the cathedral were indigenous shamans offering cleansing rituals, and I was immediately drawn to one of them and participated in the experience. Anytime I am able to participate in a new spiritual ritual, especially one that doesn’t come from a Judeo-Christian background, I am always very eager and excited. The ritual consisted of the shaman enveloping me with the smoke from some burning herbs while he chanted, and then cleansing my hands with some kind of herbal water that smelled fresh and citrusy. I wish I knew more about the significance of the ritual and the beliefs of this shamanic tradition, but either way I was grateful for the experience.

The next place of significance I had the privilege of visiting was Frida Kahlo’s house. Having always been interested in art for its own sake as well as as a spiritual practice, I was so happy to be visiting the home of such a significant and celebrated artist. My main point of context for Frida Kahlo was the movie about her life in which she was played by Selma Hayak, and I was so glad to learn more about her life in the place where she spent so much of her time. Although it seems she suffered a great deal in her life, her work has always impacted me as deeply thoughtful, spiritual, reflective, and of course beautiful. Walking through the rooms of where she created so much beauty, I could feel her spirit and was so grateful for the experience.

The next day, I visited Teotihuacan and was so impressed by the expansive complex of pyramids and courtyards that make up this special place. What amazes me about these places is their exact alignment to celestial bodies, and how much knowledge and expertise it took to build these places without modern technology. When I was in college, I had a phase of being obsessed with Ancient Aliens on the History Channel, and places like this were mentioned many times. Although I’m not sure if I believe the alien conspiracies, finally being able to visit this place in person was so impactful, like being transported back hundreds of years.

As food has always been a central part of my travels, I always try to go to the most renowned restaurants anywhere I visit, so this trip would not have been complete without a visit to Pujol. As this trip was years in the making, I felt a lot of anticipation for finally being able to visit, and experience what is supposed to be the height of Mexican cuisine. My first impression is that the decor is very comfortable and modern, but inviting. Although the overall experience was good and I even got to meet Chef Olvera, it wasn’t the best meal of the trip. I’m sure there is a reason they have Michelin stars and have been named one of the best restaurants in North America, but it may be based more on past reputation than the current offering. I don’t think I would go back, but I definitely don’t regret dining there.

The last stop of my journey was the Mayan Riviera where I stayed at the Rosewood Mayakoba. Tucked away in a jungle of mangroves along the beach, this expansive resort felt very comfortable from the beginning. Each room feels like its own little villa and has a sense of privacy while still being accessible to all the amenities contained within the resort. I immediately headed to the beach area and lounged in the sun. The water was crystal clear blue and the perfect temperature for cooling off and floating leisurely, and I felt immense gratitude for being in such a beautiful place. I didn’t have a lot of time to spend around the resort because of a tight schedule, but I would love to go back some day and fully unplug. 

The final day of the trip, I visited Chichen Itza, the most well preserved and in my opinion most beautiful pre-colonial place of cultural significance. Although it was extremely hot and there were many other tourists, the beauty and grandeur of the temple complex was almost breathtaking, and I could really feel the immense energy of this sacred place. There were so many different kinds of buildings used for many different purposes that gave a sense of what life must have been like back when this ancient society was thriving, and again I tried to center myself and drop into this immense sacred energy. 

Visiting such a beautiful and complex place like Mexico was so much more than I expected before I went. Mexico being a neighbor to the US where I spent most of my life, I thought there would be more similarities, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a much more rich and diverse culture that has better preserved its indigenous origins. Being able to visit so many historic and sacred places built throughout time, I’m reminded of the expanse of time and space in the universe, that there are many significant moments in time throughout the world and throughout history, but these places and moments were all created by other humans like me, just going about their lives as spiritual beings having a human experience. I most definitely want to return to Mexico someday and see more of this incredible place.